I've experienced a great amount of turbulence since my last post.
So here's a quick synopsis, not necessarily in any specific order.
1) Junior year is done. Thank the lord.
2) I got drum major!
3) I've realized lately that maybe I don't hate relationships so much. I mean, they do end in heartbreak and emotional distress (ususally), but maybe all of it is worth it if you get that feeling that kids my age usually associate with love. Ya know? That feeling that somebody needs you, the feeling that you get when you press your lips to that significant other's lips. Maybe I need that. Maybe I hate them 'cause the only relationship I was actually was terrible, and ended terribly. Maybe I could actually be happy with someone. But I can't help thinking: maybe I only want a relationship 'cause all of the people I would want to be in a realtionship with are in one.
4) I went to church with Kimmi the other day. While I was not particularly fond of the church itself (it wasn't Lutheran, and I also have a subconscious problem with all churches), I loved the people that went there, as well as the speaker that was there. I didn't attend a regular service, but a special service in which Greg Hubbard, a renowned speaker, made a speech on the grace of Heaven and the treachery of Hell. Seriously, it moved me. While he wasn't the best speaker I've ever heard, and though I didn't agreed with all of his messages, his overlying argument changed my life. At one point in the speech thing, he called all of the people up to the altar who felt they had been disconnected in some way from God. I went up, and when he offered to all of us at the altar (only about 25 people out of all 450+ people at the service) to proclaim their faith into the microphone, I even did that. It felt really good. I don't know why, but something happened in me. Though I don't feel closer to the church, I feel miles (heck, maybe lightyears) closer to God. Though I may not agree with all of the teachings in the Bible, I feel like God loves me now more than ever, and he'll never let me go to Hell. I'm so happy I went to that service. I'm gonna try to go to Revo (the youth service) on the 14th.
5) I don't really know who I am anymore. I know most of what I stand for, and I know what I'm capable of, and I know the impact I have on the world around me, but I don't feel like I'm fully comfortable with myself. I don't know the people I love. I don't know who my friends are. I don't know who actually likes me and who uses me for things. I don't know who's proud of me. I don't know if my parents/(sister?)/extended family really want me to live my life the way I want to, or if they just want me to live so I make them happy. Seriously, I can't wait to start my own life in college, or beyond, so I can make my own decisions with no one in mind my me, myself and I. You think that's selfish? You can suck it. :*
6) I've accepted I'll never be the best, but I'm happy being one of the best. It's nice being exceptional, even if I'm not the top.
7) I miss a lot of friends I had/have that I haven't talked to in a while. I hate not being connected. I hate losing friends. I hate drifting. I'm on a mission to reconnect with every single one. Why? I don't know.
8) I've just felt...weird lately. I've been depressed when I'm alone, but when I'm with my friends, I feel on top of the world. I need to be more stable.
9) I want to be in a relaitonship. I like to many people though. Who would I choose? Who would even want me?
10) On the bright side: it's summer! I'm so happy. I get to sleep in most of the time, and I have so much less work than in school (ahh damn summer work!).
Other random notes:
- I can't wait for new episodes of Degrassi...even though I'll be gone for the first couple.
- I'm desperately in love with Lady Gaga. That woman is genius. I've realilzed this before, but I REALLY realized it now.
- I miss my best friend. Though she's moving back, I feel like she and I won't be the same anymore. I don't know why, but I hate it.
- I watched Requiem for a Dream the other day. Everyone needs to see it. It's intense; like, the most intense movies I've ever seen.
- I picked my three college scholarship/application piano songs.
1) Toccata in Eb -- Aram Khatchaturian
2) Impromptu in Eb, Op. 90 No. 2 -- Franz Schurbert
3) Rondo a Capriccio in G "Rage Over a Lost Penny" -- Ludwig van Beethoven
I apologize for how erratic this post is. But hey, I can't be eloquent all the time. :P
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1 comment:
Isaac, this entry makes me very happy :) I am glad you've gotten over the idea that relationships are aweful. You really need to give one a try :)
and the way you responded to my church makes me very happy too. just in case you didn't know; i say Revo as short for Revolution. Our youth group is called Revolution Youth. like i said, just so you know :)
loooveee youuuuu :*
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