Feelings are for the squares
Souls are for the saps
Tears are for the movies
Love is for the naïve
Apathy is where it's at.

I don't mean to offend anyone in this post. Thus, if you get offended, I won't care, cause I have the best of intentions, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

I hate my life.
Sure, I'm smart. Quasi-good looking. I dress pretty okay. I do pretty well in school. I play lots of instruments; okay. I have a lot of friends; kinda.
But nothing about me is great. There's always someone better. Someone smarter. Someone who dresses better. Somebody who's better looking. Someone who does better in school. Someone is more populate. Someone who is better at instruments.
I just wanna cry out to the world:

"Why can't I be the best?! Just one time!"

Not only am I mediocre, but my seemingly-perfect (yeah, even to me) social life is a catastrophe. I pose this question to myself: Out of all my friends, who would still talk to me, without me initiating conversation? The answer is none. My best friend, though I love her more than anything in this world, could easily find the good qualities of me in another person, and she could easily find someone who's a better friend than me. No one would talk to me, if I didn't talk first. Maybe that's just how friendship is; maybe there's no such thing as a true friend. If there is, let me find him/her.

To my own family I'm a disgrace. I'm the imperfection that they always tried to cover. I can't be me. I have to succumb to whatever makes them happy; not what makes me happy. I can't stand the hypocrisy. And that in itself is a paradox; cause I am a hypocrite for saying that I hate hypocrisy. I just, I wanna fix my family's problem. But I can't, cause no matter what I do, they'll never change. It's the way they were brought up. The way they have molded themselves. They can try, but no one in my family has changed for as long as I can remember.

I hate that ALL of my old friends who I would always hang out with don't even talk to me. They talk shit behind my back. I hate them for that.

I need to get away. I need college. I need a new start. I need to recreate myself. Change my life to make me happy. ME. Not everyone else. Me.

I need a best guy friend.
I love my best friend, more than life. But, a guy needs his buds. I need guy time. I need to talk about guy things.

The only problem is:

One of my guy friends isn't serious. Ever.
Two others don't ever open up to me, and stays conceiled.
One is forboden.
One wants too much, and I don't.
One of them is really on an off with how he treats me; too much like a girl.
And all the others I don't talk to enough.

I need a guy best friend. I need one.

Tentative list of colleges...

These are my favorite colleges. Not in order, obv.

Johns Hopkins University
Brown University
Boston University
MIT
Harvard University
University of California: San Diego
Stanford University
University of California: Berkelee
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute
Columbia University
Duke University
Northwestern University
Case Western Reserve Institute
Worcester Polytechnic Institute
University of Michigan: Ann Arbor

I know I'm majoring in Biomedical Engineering. Yay!

Revelation

I don't measure myself by:

The grades I get
The money I'll make
The college(s) I go to
The amount of service I do
The number of instruments I play
The trophies I win

I measure myself by how much of an impact I've made on this world. I want everyone to look back on my life and say, "You remember Isaac? He was a great kid. I wish there were more people like him." I will stop at nothing to make every single person I meet think that way about me.

Ainci je ne peux pas dis en anglais...

Je rappelle quand nous disions tous les choses. Et quand tu assaies près de moi, just parce que. Et quand tu m'appelais just à parler. Et quand tu aimes actuellement sortir avec moi. Évidement je suis embêtant et il sont mieux que moi (je sais que je ne dis pas ça correctement). J'ai besoin d'un meilleur(e) ami(e). Tu me manques, mais je suppose que je ne te manque pas.

You know what?

I'm done with sympathy. And trying to understand.

I had a great day today. Mostly. And then it went down the drain.

I'm done. I'm so done. I'm not even gonna try to win you back, back to where we used to be. I'm done feeling sad for things that I can't do anything about.

Maybe I'm being ridic.
Maybe I'm not.
But what I know,
Is that I'm pissed. And I won't act like the Isaac you love until I feel like you actually still love me.

I love these kinda days.

You know when you have those days that just start off terribly but in the end they turn out to be almost perfect? Yeah, that kinda days happened today. I loved it.

1.) I thought I failed miserably at districts. Well that may be ture for bassoon, I was wrong about my bari performance. I called PK and he was like, "Would you want an all-state recommendation" (in band terms, that means that you made districts). And I was like, "Wait, why? Did I make one of the bands?" And he was like, "You got the seat for bari in the jazz band." And then I exclaimed, "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Oh, and yeah, I did that in a public place, surrounded by lots of people. They probably think I'm a freak. N. B. D.

2.) I spent basically the whole day with Morgan (She's even spending the night! Slumber partyyyyyyyyyyyy!) We went to Natick to see A Christmas Carol in 3D. And it was in IMAX! Oh my god it was so excellent. And we had soooooo many funny moments. Such a good day. Also I got her my favorite Pandora charm ("Key to my Heart"). Yeah, good day.

So, yeah, maybe it was only two great things. But like, it was a good day. Don't judge me.

The tears are welling up.

I need a shoulder to cry on.
One that won't judge.
One that will listen.
One that will rebuild,
What these trials have destroyed.
I've been through too much,
Done too much for everyone,
For myself,
To get shot down,
And regarded as just another boy,
Just another teenager.
I'm not.
And when I get treated that way.
All I want to do is cry.
I need that shoulder.
I can't do this alone.

Idk

Some days I wonder if anyone else is like me. Emotionally. Today I felt on top of the world, sorta. Now I'm in the trench of the unsatisfied, trying to claw my way out back into the world of the content. Everything seems to be bogging down on me. Love. School. College/Future. Friends. Family. Nothing seems to be going right, even though everything actually is. What's wrong with me? I really think I need a therapist. I need someone to sort out these thoughts, since apparently I can't do it alone.

Also, I find myself falling for what's outside the boundary. Maybe it's better than inside, but unless I somehow find myself being compelled by an outside force into the darkness of what's outside my comfort zone, I think I may stay inside; where it's light and I know what lies before me.

Sorry that I've been neglecting you...

So the last week has been craaaaaaaaaazy.

I had swine flu, right? So, I was sick on Halloween. :( Thus, I watched all 5 Saw movies Saturday night and Sunday morning. Oh my god. They're such good movies. As I said before, don't be skeptical about them. Trust me. They're awesome.

The school week was rough. This year is HARD. I only have a 90.1 in Honors Chem. I'm angry. I have an 86 in Jill's, which I'm proud of. But in Papa Lew's I don't think I'm doing all that well. The test that I made up was straight up ridiculous. Sooooooo hard. Like, seriously. I only have a 92 in French IV. What. The. Hell. Whatever, it IS only the first term. And besides, colleges only see final grades. I guess I'll just learn from my mistakes and step up my game.

I got my NHS privileges on Thursday! Yayyyy. I can't wait to go to Mickey D's or Wendy's on Friday. :) Also, I signed up for 10 points on Friday morning! Guess it isn't hard to get NHS points!

Friday I hung out with Andrew and Morgannnn. We went to Friendly's and then went home to watch The Devil's Rejects. I'll get into the specifics of the movie soon. But the night was great, and that's a relief.

Okay, so I watched The Devil's Rejects on Friday, and House of 1000 Corpses on Saturday. Rob Zombie is a GENIUS. Like, the cinematography was amazing, and the acting/writing was pristine. I hope he makes some more movies, cause all four I've seen by him were intense. Oh, House of 1000 Corpses was possibly the weirdest movie I've ever seen. Just sayin'.

Saturday was an awesome day. I got a haircut, slept, and then worked. I worked a really easy 80 person wedding, got sidetracked into going to some firemen/policemen deal in some church in Springfield, then back to the wedding. The people were sooooo nice and the bride and groom gave all of us 50 DOLLAR TIPS. Yeah, that's right. Good day. Good. Day.

Today I'm doing some parade deal for band. Gonna be wicked easy. Thennnnn I'm going to Amherst with Morgan to see her orchestra concert at Mount Holyoke. I'm pumped. :)